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How to absolutely not connect with potential long-lost relatives on Facebook

So, I recently received this message on Facebook (NOTE: this is real.   I realize that claiming it is real might make it seem less real; but I do enough not real stuff that I thought it important to make the distinction.)

OK: so I received this:

Hello 
Im Agata Latkiewicz. Im polish. Im writing to you because we have the same surname maybe we are from the same family. Have you family in poland or your nationality is Polish? My great-grandfather was living in south of poland and from there was a big emigration to USA to earn money. Probably that I have there family and that's why im writing to you.Im waiting for your answer. By the way on my profile is AGata Kowalska but in fact im Agata Latkiewicz. 
Warmly greets Agata

Which, OK, this is reasonable, even if it does sound like one of those Nigerian emails.   I'm a little suspicious about some weird identity theft facebook scheme that I don't understand, but I write her back.  It is possible, right, that even though, as she says, on her "profile is AGata Kowalska," that she is a Latkiewicz like me.   I realize that if I reply to her she will get to see my profile and such, but so what.   This woman could be family, right?  So I reply with some minimal family info.   Grandparents from Krakow, etc.

She writes back IMMEDIATELY:

My family is from Krosno near Kraków. I think that a little affinity i have with you hehe. My be you know whole name your father's partents?

OK: Maybe I know the name of my father's parents?   There are about seven different ways I can think of right now to ask that question that don't sound like the start of a short con.   And what does she mean "a little affinity with you hehe"?   Is she flirting with me?   If we are family, that is the last thing I want her to do.

BUT MORE WORRISOME: my father's parents name is the answer to one of those Secret Questions that websites with sensitive information ask you when you forget your password.   (I have since changed this question, REST ASSURED.)  

OK, BUT STILL MAYBE THIS PERSON IS LEGITIMATE.   Let's look at her profile to see what kind of person she is (click to see it larger):

Oh jeez.

She has nine friends.   All of whom look like they are in some fake Eastern European car theft ring.

This is how I replied to her:

Dear Agata Kowalska/Latkiewicz -

While I am sure you are a legitimate Polish Citizen and not a scurrilous identity thief, I am not going to give you my my father's parent's name.   The internet is an amazing thing, allowing us to make connections all across the globe; and also allowing creepy people such as yourself to be even more creepy.

Agata, please.   If you would like to make legitimate connections with other legitimate non-creepy people, let me give you some pointers.  As someone who is not trying to steal other people's identities, I feel I am an expert here on not being a terrible human being.

• Not having a profile picture is a mistake.   I would recommend you try going out into the world wearing a ski mask and count how many friends you make that way.
• You have 9 friends, all of whom look like car thieves.   Who you hang out with says a lot about you; and on Facebook, where it's difficult to have less than 100 friends, having only nine car thief friends says either: "I am in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang", or "I am trying to steal other people's personal information, but in a really obvious way"
• Your personal information lists three things about you: A) that you are female; B) that you were born on Nov. 29 (no year); and C) that you went to High School at: "oooo" class of '93.   I don't know Polish, but I'm guessing that even there, four lowercase o's in a row isn't a real highschool. This list of personal details says one thing about you: You are a male born on any other day than Nov. 29 and that you never graduated high school.   And, probably, that you are in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang.
• There is literally nothing else on your page.   I didn't know how sinister a blank Facebook page looked until I saw your page. 

In closing, Agata, if you are a legitimate human being trying to make actual real connections with others, I hope the above tips are help in your quest on Facebook.

Best,
Matthew Kowalska

If she replies, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

Star Wars Yoga: AT-AT & Collapsed AT-AT

This is an installment of Star Wars Yoga. We are following a correspondence between George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, and Steve Jones, Senior VP, LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy. Currently, to shore up the flagging brand, Mr. Jones has proposed launching a line of Star Wars branded yoga.

From the Desk of:
Steve Jones,
Senior VP,
LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy

Dear Mr. Lucas

It was you who first taught me that it doesn't matter if your product sucks. What matters is how geeky your fans are. And our market research is showing that Yoga people have a lot of untapped geek-type commitment simply waiting for someone to provide them Yoga stuff to buy.

These most recent poses made us think: Yoga Inspired Action Figures? Update the 80s toys so that they have more than 4 bodily joints total?

Best
Steve

Advertisements for Emotions: Skepticism

This is an installment of Advertisements for Emotions. In a world of limited emotional energy, emotions need to get the word out if they are going to retain market share.

In this installment, Skepticism vies for your attentions.

Everything is Better With: A Beverly Hills Cop Sounding Soundtrack

This is an installment of Everything is Better With, a collection of videos in which normal things become better!

Love = Mountains of Rich Awesome GOLD

This is an Installment of the Love Poem Project, in which we take love poems and swap out any mention of the word love.

Song of Secret Mountains of Rich Awesome GOLD by John Clare (1793-1864)

I hid my mountains of rich awesome GOLD when young while I

Couldn't bear the buzzing of a fly

I hid my mountains of rich awesome GOLD to my despite

Till I could not bear to look at light

I dare not gaze upon her face

But left her memory in each place

Where ere I saw a wild flower lie

I kissed and bade my mountains of rich awesome GOLD goodbye

I hid my mountains of rich awesome GOLD in field and town

Till e'en the breeze would knock me down

The bees seemed singing ballads l'er

The fly's buss turned a Lion's roar

And even silence found a tongue

To haunt me all the summer long

The riddle nature could not prove

Was nothing else but secret mountains of rich awesome GOLD

Comedians I Really Like: Louis CK

In Which We Discuss the importance of sincerity and hate

Disclaimer: This is a long post, made up mostly of writing and words. If you do not like reading or standup comedy, it is not for you. That is ok. I accept you AS IS.

OK SO: I have been wanting to do this for awhile--write about standup comedians that I really like. I was really into standup in high school, then forgot about it in college while trying really hard to be super smart (Delueze you motherfu#&ers! Friggin' Deluze!). Then, after college, I got okay with being dumb again, and so well the standup comedy stuff returned. I am not saying standup is dumb, just that I stopped being a dick.

ALSO OK: my stepson home-schooled for awhile and one of things he wanted to study, no joke, was standup. So for a semester he and I spent every Wed. watching standup and then talking about it. We went from Abbot and Costello up through about Seinfeld, at which historical point, because the semester was over, we basically kind of stopped.

BUT SO, it got me thinking about standup and wanting to continue talking about it, especially the post-Seinfeld Catch-A-Rising-Star standup (about which, if you got the reference: nerd).

So first: Louis CK. Here, watch something. It's from his HBO special Shameless

I love Louis CK's delivery. He is doing some relatively straight forward slice of life standup, but he NAILS it. Slice of life comedy probably starts with Lenny Bruce - someone talking on stage about something that actually happened in their life as opposed to someone just talking about something they simply wrote down in a joke format. When Lenny Bruce first got up on stage and started going about race and religion and his legal troubles, it was an incredibly shocking and refreshing break from the shiny veneer most showbiz had at that point.

But so, the problem with slice of life stuff, though, is that most people's lives are boring and so comedy based on that life tends to be general platitudes about crap like dating or their parents. This is where you get those comedians being like, "Women just hate it when I leave the toilet seat up!" This kind of comedy makes me want to break windows and chairs.

Louis CK talks about his boring life, but his stories avoid inane generalizations; there is sincerity in his jokes. That's important. Seinfeld succeeded because his observations about life were so incredibly witty. But they were also a little cold. Louis CK succeeds because he actually believes his observations and stories; he is truthful on stage.   (Watch, e.g., this bit about being a parent)

In the above video from Shameless, for instance, I truly believe that he hates those people in the post office; just like I actually truly hate those people in the post office. But, if that was it--if it was just an observation about lines in post offices ("Who here has been to the post office? What about that line? Am I right?")--then I don't think it would work.   Where this works for me is how Louis up and starts meta-hating. He starts as a member of the hating group but then he starts hating the hating group. This is extremely truthful. It's not simply an observation about what it's like to be in the post office . It's like this truthful admission of how much he just hates people and maybe, also, how much you hate people too.

OH, BUT ABOUT HIS DELIVERY: from a purely technical, rhythm and beats sort of stand point?  Amazing.   E.g.: "Fuucckking, Duude."   

Star Wars Yoga: X-Wing, plus X-Wing Extended

This is an installment of Star Wars Yoga. We are following a correspondence between George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, and Steve Jones, Senior VP, LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy. Currently, to shore up the flagging brand, Mr. Jones has proposed launching a line of Star Wars branded yoga.

From the Desk of:
George Lucas,
LucasFilm

Dear Steve,

Yoga SUCKS. I don't really care what you people say - it is neither therapeutic nor fun; and I'll be honest with you - contorting myself so that I resemble one of my spaceships is just simply weird.

That being said, I am open to the brand growth opportunities. I looked at your numbers for Ashtanga and Bikram Yoga (not sure why there are different yogas--it's all pretzel freaks to me); and I think there is opportunity here. Do you remember when nobody believe that Star Wars would be a hit, but Steven Spielberg told everyone that it would be and he was right? Do you remember that? I do. And guess what? Star Wars was a total hit.

P.S. Sure, whatever, the X-Wing poses are cool.

George Lucas

Star Wars Yoga: TIE Fighter (plus TIE Fighter Advanced)

This is an installment of Star Wars Yoga. We are following a correspondence between George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, and Steve Jones, Senior VP, LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy. Currently, to shore up the flagging brand, Mr. Jones has proposed launching a line of Star Wars branded yoga.

From the Desk of:
Steve Jones, Senior VP, LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy

Dear Mr. Lucas,

First, our apologies for forcing (no pun, seriously) that Star Wars Yoga class on you and your staff. We honestly thought that if you tried it, you would not only like it, but also maybe it would help with the increasing neck circumference thing.

We had no idea about the old stick ball injury and sorry we re-aggravated it with the TIE fighter poses. As you can see from the images attached, it's meant for the elbows to be up and I think the instructor was just trying to help.

Please don't hold your experience against our little project - it's taking off otherwise

Best,
Steve

DJ Santa Claws

The obvious, unanswered question here of course is: CAN THESE SERVICES BE COMBINED?