How to absolutely not connect with potential long-lost relatives on Facebook

So, I recently received this message on Facebook (NOTE: this is real.   I realize that claiming it is real might make it seem less real; but I do enough not real stuff that I thought it important to make the distinction.)

OK: so I received this:

Hello 
Im Agata Latkiewicz. Im polish. Im writing to you because we have the same surname maybe we are from the same family. Have you family in poland or your nationality is Polish? My great-grandfather was living in south of poland and from there was a big emigration to USA to earn money. Probably that I have there family and that's why im writing to you.Im waiting for your answer. By the way on my profile is AGata Kowalska but in fact im Agata Latkiewicz. 
Warmly greets Agata

Which, OK, this is reasonable, even if it does sound like one of those Nigerian emails.   I'm a little suspicious about some weird identity theft facebook scheme that I don't understand, but I write her back.  It is possible, right, that even though, as she says, on her "profile is AGata Kowalska," that she is a Latkiewicz like me.   I realize that if I reply to her she will get to see my profile and such, but so what.   This woman could be family, right?  So I reply with some minimal family info.   Grandparents from Krakow, etc.

She writes back IMMEDIATELY:

My family is from Krosno near Kraków. I think that a little affinity i have with you hehe. My be you know whole name your father's partents?

OK: Maybe I know the name of my father's parents?   There are about seven different ways I can think of right now to ask that question that don't sound like the start of a short con.   And what does she mean "a little affinity with you hehe"?   Is she flirting with me?   If we are family, that is the last thing I want her to do.

BUT MORE WORRISOME: my father's parents name is the answer to one of those Secret Questions that websites with sensitive information ask you when you forget your password.   (I have since changed this question, REST ASSURED.)  

OK, BUT STILL MAYBE THIS PERSON IS LEGITIMATE.   Let's look at her profile to see what kind of person she is (click to see it larger):

Oh jeez.

She has nine friends.   All of whom look like they are in some fake Eastern European car theft ring.

This is how I replied to her:

Dear Agata Kowalska/Latkiewicz -

While I am sure you are a legitimate Polish Citizen and not a scurrilous identity thief, I am not going to give you my my father's parent's name.   The internet is an amazing thing, allowing us to make connections all across the globe; and also allowing creepy people such as yourself to be even more creepy.

Agata, please.   If you would like to make legitimate connections with other legitimate non-creepy people, let me give you some pointers.  As someone who is not trying to steal other people's identities, I feel I am an expert here on not being a terrible human being.

• Not having a profile picture is a mistake.   I would recommend you try going out into the world wearing a ski mask and count how many friends you make that way.
• You have 9 friends, all of whom look like car thieves.   Who you hang out with says a lot about you; and on Facebook, where it's difficult to have less than 100 friends, having only nine car thief friends says either: "I am in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang", or "I am trying to steal other people's personal information, but in a really obvious way"
• Your personal information lists three things about you: A) that you are female; B) that you were born on Nov. 29 (no year); and C) that you went to High School at: "oooo" class of '93.   I don't know Polish, but I'm guessing that even there, four lowercase o's in a row isn't a real highschool. This list of personal details says one thing about you: You are a male born on any other day than Nov. 29 and that you never graduated high school.   And, probably, that you are in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang.
• There is literally nothing else on your page.   I didn't know how sinister a blank Facebook page looked until I saw your page. 

In closing, Agata, if you are a legitimate human being trying to make actual real connections with others, I hope the above tips are help in your quest on Facebook.

Best,
Matthew Kowalska

If she replies, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

DJ Santa Claws

The obvious, unanswered question here of course is: CAN THESE SERVICES BE COMBINED?

Really?

Like honestly? Who enforces this rule? The kid you pay $8/hr? Has this rule EVER been enforced?

And how do you clean up spilled gasoline? Like can you just scuff it with your boot a little, spread it around? Do they have a special gas mop? A special sink to clean the gas mop required by the local health department?

And Really? Was the spilling SO excessive that they were like, "f$ck this, we have to put up a sign. We are burning through our gas mops."

Excited Desperation

Maybe, if you aren't so sure about trying out our new restaurant that we worked really hard to open and can't wait to share with you, I can perhaps interest you maybe in some soda? Maybe some free soda would be more your thing?

Suggestions for Your Cellular Phone Email Signature

Instead of Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile, why not write:

Sent while pretending to care about my kid's birthday party. Seriously, my wife just came over and told me "It's time for the cake," but she doesn't understand how like literally totally busy I am. At work, they refer to me as the Philly Cheese Steakster. I am now walking out my backdoor, still typing. It's not that I don't hear my wife behind me, it's that I am just finishing up this one thing. She doesn't understand what it means to be multi-engaged. I am operating at an extremely high level and your email is super important to me. I will call you from my hotel later. My car starts up, purrs; I am typing.

Instead of Sent from my iPhone, why not write:

Sent to you because holy crap, in addition to replying to your email, I also just totally said the funniest thing on Twitter. Here's how it happened: I'm here drinking coffee and I saw this older woman come in and she looked EXACTLY like Bruce Mau - weird, I know, but you understand. So, I closed my Scrivener window (remind me to tell you later about my screenplay - new idea: Foucault and Don Draper meet in a bar) and I opened up Twitterific and I just totally wrote about how crazy it was that this woman looks EXACTLY like Bruce Mau.

Unnecessary Care Package Items

Let us be clear: if your son or daughter is in college and you would like to send them a care package (which is nice and totally reasonable), you do not need to include:

• Ramen
• Microwavable Ramen 
• Microwavable Popcorn 

These are things your son or daughter already has.   In plenty. 

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Other items you need not include:

• Pencils
• Bags of Tostadas
• Text Messages
• Really dramatic relationships
• A lack of purpose underlying a confident exterior